An Open Letter To My Depression

Dear Depression,

I have something to say to you. I don't think I ever truly wanted to confront you head on. I think I wanted to ignore your existence, because I thought that with you I would lose my identity. The truth is though,

I am not my lowest points in life

 An Open Letter To My Depression | A quick note to the depression that will not defeat me for myself and for those who are listening.

So, I have been sort of in a spiral these last few months.  I will have days when I am so productive and I get so much done and I love every minute of life. Then I will have days where I can barely get out of bed, and I spend all my time napping, in a depressed haze. This has been a lot for me to handle, but I think that it's important for me to write this letter to you today, depression.

I usually always write about things like this when I have an ending. But I have read something from John Green's new book Turtles All The Way Down, that really stood out to me.

The problem with happy endings,” I said, “is that they’re either not really happy, or not really endings, you know? In real life, some things get better and some things get worse. And then eventually you die.
— Aza Holmes from p. 276 of Turtles All The Way Down

Yeah, that's a bit of a bleak way of looking at things, but it helped me come to a few realizations.

My Life's Not Gonna Be Tied In A Big Beautiful Bow

I hold things out from the very people who make up so much of my life because I am trying to wait for this beautiful happy ending where I don't deal with some depression and my life is in the very direction that I want it to be.

Even when I have wrapped things up in the past, I never truly wrapped them up. They were better, for a bit, but I still deal with my own issues.  I am a happy person, but even happy people deal with depression and other mental issues.

I can be a mostly happy, positive person with a side of depression that comes and goes every once and a while. I can be stuck in my own head for a bit, as long as I depend on the people around me to help get me out and I don't shut them out.

I will Deal With This With Grace

I will get over you, depression, like I have gotten over you in the past. This time, though, I will do so knowing that it's something I am going to have to continuously battle. I am not going to be afraid of you though.

I won't quiver, or back down from you. You will not own me or overpower me. I will not succumb to you.

I am not powerless.

I am just a little overwhelmed right now.

But, right now isn't forever, and that's the part I am learning every single day.

I will deal with you with grace, dignity, and love for myself, even if that takes some time.

I am used to your small visits, but not your large ones, and this visit just gets me prepared for the future. I mean, don't get me wrong, I hope this letter marks the beginning of a true goodbye, but if you come back, I will be ready for you then too!

You Are Still Here

And you won't alienate me from the people I love, the readers I cherish, or anyone else, depression. 

This is a letter to my depression that I am still dealing with, and I want it to know that I am still The Happy Arkansan even as it tries to strip that away from me day by day.

I am still me, just with a side of depression, and that's all I can say right now.

With Love,

Amanda Cross

thanks for listening.

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